Old Life

7.11.2025

In that most awful moment it was my siblings that kept me here, not the permanence of death, or hope for a decent future, or fear of pain. Specific memories of time spent with them.

Since leaving medical school I have had more time to process what I was experiencing. The absolute loneliness paired with relationship strains, terrible physical activity, a terrible diet, overcoming the religious indoctrination of my youth, topped off by a rigorous courseload.

My solution? Ignore it and try to be a good son. A good brother. Ignore what you feel. I just played video games to distract myself, and then studied the absolute minimum necessary to get by. When I think about those times, I think about how good it would have been to hear these words:

“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” from The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

3.9.2025

Now that I have time to breathe, I also have time to notice how lonely I am.

Could be in another section but...

I miss my cats.

7.19.2024

"______, we've met a lot over the past few years. This is the first meeting where you're smiling spontaneously."

That's it. After struggling for 3 years to persuade myself I was where I should have been, I'm finally free. I shut in my creative self and drugged myself with video games and THC, forcing myself to chase conventional "success."

Now I'm where I thrive- the uncertainty and instability of normal life. Being pushed to my limit. Having to use my brain, that feels like it's fallen asleep. With each passing day I feel stronger ambition, my energy slowly returns. Over the course of these weeks, I've lost much of the 60 pounds of extra weight gained since I started medical school. No longer,

💠 I feel free💠

5.19.2024

...

My eyes burn. My back hurts. I feel tired.

Not enough energy to feel sad, angry, or as terrified as I probably should be given my circumstances.

I want out.

2.8.2024

Need one more section after this for my OCD.

3 exams next week: anatomy written + practical, and MSK/Derm.

Procrastinating right now.

2.17.2024

Turned 26.

Time keeps on moving, into the future

27, 28, 28, ..., 71, 72, ...

I wonder,

How much longer will I update this site

How much longer will I-

Struggle to be happy

I don't believe in true happiness. Only moments of joy floating around on a dying planet

What a wonderful thought to have on my birthday...

Time keeps on moving, into the future