Old Life

8.2.2025

I never wanted to be exceptional, just calm and stable. I wonder why?

Why didn't anybody notice?

Not even myself.

7.11.2025

In that most awful moment it was my siblings that kept me here, not the permanence of death, or hope for a decent future, or fear of pain. Specific memories of time spent with them.

Since leaving medical school I have had more time to process what I was experiencing. The absolute loneliness paired with relationship strains, terrible physical activity, a terrible diet, overcoming the religious indoctrination of my youth, topped off by a rigorous courseload.

My solution? Ignore it and try to be a good son. A good brother. Ignore what you feel. I just played video games to distract myself, and then studied the absolute minimum necessary to get by. When I think about those times, I think about how good it would have been to hear these words:

“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” from The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

3.9.2025

Now that I have time to breathe, I also have time to notice how lonely I am.

Could be in another section but...

I miss my cats.

7.19.2024

"______, we've met a lot over the past few years. This is the first meeting where you're smiling spontaneously."

That's it. After struggling for 3 years to persuade myself I was where I should have been, I'm finally free. I shut in my creative self and drugged myself with video games and THC, forcing myself to chase conventional "success."

Now I'm where I thrive- the uncertainty and instability of normal life. Being pushed to my limit. Having to use my brain, that feels like it's fallen asleep. With each passing day I feel stronger ambition, my energy slowly returns. Over the course of these weeks, I've lost much of the 60 pounds of extra weight gained since I started medical school. No longer,

💠 I feel free💠

5.19.2024

...

My eyes burn. My back hurts. I feel tired.

Not enough energy to feel sad, angry, or as terrified as I probably should be given my circumstances.

I want out.

2.8.2024

Need one more section after this for my OCD.

3 exams next week: anatomy written + practical, and MSK/Derm.

Procrastinating right now.

2.17.2024

Turned 26.

Time keeps on moving, into the future

27, 28, 28, ..., 71, 72, ...

I wonder,

How much longer will I update this site

How much longer will I-

Struggle to be happy

I don't believe in true happiness. Only moments of joy floating around on a dying planet

What a wonderful thought to have on my birthday...

Time keeps on moving, into the future